The Window

I glance at my watch again and let out a huff. The window overlooking the yard I’m in is still empty. Normally, you would have begun by now.

I shuffle myself into a more comfortable position, leaning my back against the pallets behind me and bouncing my legs a little to stop them locking up from their crouched position. Knowing I am fully hidden by the inky darkness and shadows created by the building materials surrounding me gives me a confidence to move when needed.

I’m drawn from my thoughts by the sounds of water working through pipes. There you are, right arm held out slightly as you let the water run over your hand, waiting for it to warm up. Backlit by the fluorescent light in your kitchen. It gives you a somewhat sickly yellow hue and deepens the shadows around your eyes.

I exhale, the relief of seeing you relaxing my whole body.

Your eyes make their way from the sink to the window- I smile, though I know you can’t see it. Frantically you search the dark, I see your chest begin to rise and fall indicating that your breath has quickened.

I know you can feel my presence.

You’re talking, indicating in this general direction, your dad steps into the room. He takes a quick look outside, shakes his head and turns to leave, giving you a pat on the shoulder. You point towards the window. I can almost hear the panic in your voice even in the silence.

I quietly tut. He should have listened, all those times you asked for curtains to close while you did dishes. When you said you felt unsafe, like there were eyes everywhere you went. Back when I was still allowed into your life. Back before you knew those eyes belonged to me.

I watch as your distress mounts, I wonder if this is worth it. Now that I cannot speak to you. But, there’s a special type of intimacy that comes with watching a person. Seeing them in moments when they don’t realise you’re there, joining them in times when you wouldn’t normally. There’s a sort of magical insight being witness to those private moments that would never be mine otherwise.

“We’re friends,” You had replied softly, pleading with me to please stop declaring my love. But, when a heart is on fire and the whole reason it beats doesn’t think you belong together where is there to go? Sometimes, friendship isn’t enough.

I feel my anger start to rise again. We were never meant to just be friends. Everyday since we met we’ve been inseparable. Sharing our innermost thoughts, our deepest secrets. Every moment, a perfect love story. I knew from the moment I looked into your eyes that we were forever.

I take deep breaths to calm my tension. Still watching. I tilt my head, you’re completely zoned out now, working through the dishes on autopilot. Eyes staring straight ahead but unseeing. Your jaw tightens and I remember the struggles you were beginning to experience, the stress of being followed was starting to affect your body- you couldn’t open your mouth far or chew without pain. Even talking was painful. I wonder if it’s getting any better as you flex between simply clenched to teeth ground together, jaw locked.

Maybe the appointment yesterday gave you some relief.

You dry off your hands and I shift my weight again. I see you come back to yourself, searching the nothingness between us. Your instincts are getting better. It’s been interesting to watch. You’ve gone from having no idea I was near you that first day as you shopped without a care in the world, to the days you started to sense something wasn’t quite right and onto the past few days where it seems like you can feel me.

My heart jumps, I’ve never felt closer to anyone. It’s as if you’re able to sense the very essence of me. You know me in a way I don’t even know myself. I smile. You walk away. I can’t see you anymore, but I know you’re getting ready for bed. Shower, teeth, moisturiser and a drink from your water bottle.

I start moving slowly, leaving my hiding spot and making my way home. You will have wrapped your blanket around you and snuggled up to read a few chapters of the book you started yesterday.

Now that I am no longer laser focused on you in the window, the cold air creeps in and makes me shiver. Love really does keep you warm.